A Modest Proposal At Issue

Today we have a guest post by Monsieur A. Blaise. Enjoy;

So I think it’s clear that Issues, Etc. is gone. I was sad too about the loss. But remember what the noted post-modern philosopher Jack Handey once said: “If you drop your keys in a river of molten lava, just let ‘em go—because man, they’re gone!” This is clearly the same kind of deal here with Issues, Etc. It’s gone. The modern LCMS Bureaucracy is about as friendly to Lutheran theology and serious discussion of it and its alternatives as molten lava is to car keys. Perhaps this is a needed wake-up call to those who were in denial about that fact?

Anyway, I was thinking: so, what comes next? I mean, what will KFUO put on in place of Issues, Etc? The vague news release announcing its cancellation hinted they had something else in mind for the slot. Here’s what I propose KFUO consider putting on in the Issues, Etc timeslot:

Since life in our Synod is becoming increasingly like a chapter out of Orwell’s 1984 I would suggest the programming wizards at KFUO start modestly with a little program called “The Two Minutes Hate” in place of Issues, Etc. (start with 2 minutes and build to 3 hours. Rome wasn’t built in day.) I put myself in the mind of a Synod Bureaucrat (a very strange and surreal place to be, I can tell you) and I asked myself: “Self, what was the real problem with Issues, Etc?” “Well, clearly it did not push the company line,” I answered myself (Synod Bureaucrats talk to themselves a lot. It’s part of the mindset). Issues, Etc. simply failed to rally the troops around the Ablaze!tm program/movement/fundraiser—and that is the modern unforgivable sin in this Synod. It did not inspire unflinching loyalty to the friends of the Bureaucracy and hatred for its enemies which all KFUO programming surely must do under the current regime if it is to be an exercise in good stewardship (and sound business practices).

“The Two Minutes Hate” will rectify this oversight. The program will feature snippets of quotes from an enemy of the Synod. Some maintenance-ministry retrograde rabble-rouser. These quotes will be so obviously contrary to the Synod’s current policies and programs that it will inspire spontaneous cries of “Swine! Swine! Swine!” from the bowels of the International Center, cries which will radiate out all over this great land—well, at least wherever there’s a station tuned to KFUO and some right thinking LCMSers gathered around…

Here’s a sample program: Get some quotes of Norman Nagel preaching. I’ve heard this guy quite enough to know there’s an enemy of the Synod if ever the modern Bureaucrat saw one! Good gracious, look what the man preaches: he preaches like there’s not a blessed thing any of us can do to build the kingdom or make it come. He preaches like this Jesus fellow did it all, every last, little bit of the work for us, on the cross when He died (he’s always going on about this cross business, this Nagel is. Bloody-minded he is!). He preaches like the kingdom of God is an entirely free gift that comes to us out of the sheer goodness and mercy of Christ Jesus alone without any works of our own—without even any fundraising, if you can believe that! (I told you it was noxious stuff this Nagel preaches).

And it gets worse. This Nagel character goes on as if the Law always accuses us. Not like the Law presents a model to which we obviously conform and so can use in our carefully rehearsed speech to our neighbors to make them just like us. No, no, no! This Nagel guy preaches like the Law shows that I’m the one with the problem, like I’m the one who’s lost! Like I’m some loser who needs saving, instead of a faithful servant who goes out every day with a cheerful attitude to help Jesus get His work done by my diligent efforts (and fundraising). See what an enemy of the current Synodical regime this Nagel is? See how right he is for The Two Minutes Hate? I mean, really, if you let guys like Nagel go on the radio (and Wilken let guys like Nagel on all the time) well, pretty soon the whole world will be going after them, just believing in Jesus and extolling His gifts—as if that’s all you need for the kingdom to come! And pretty soon the church will be like a some great Jesus cult or something, with everyone practically worshiping this Jesus like He’s God or something, as if there is nothing better to do with your life than just sit at His feet and bask in His word—as if there’s nothing more to being Church than simply hearing the Gospel, receiving the Sacraments, and delighting with one another in this most holy faith!

What could be more contrary to the great Ablaze!tm movement than such preaching as this Nagel does (and has been teaching others to do!)? What could be more subversive of Synod’s current mission efforts than such preaching? I can’t think of anything. So put Nagel on for The Two Minutes Hate and get everyone to start hating on this guy too, and things will get back to normal pretty soon in our Synod. After you’ve hated on Nagel for a year or so, you could just work down the old guest list from Issues, Etc. They had tons of guys like this on all the time, and eventually you could move on to historical characters like Sasse, Walther, Gerhardt, Nicolai—till you get back to that Luther guy himself. They all went on like Nagel does.

And every episode of The Two Minute Hate will end with The Two Minutes Hate official three slogans: “War is Peace. Law is Gospel. Fire is extremely comfortable once you get used to it…”

Think about it. It’s got real potential.

A. Blaise